The Bomber's Beaverton Brand

Memo to Phil Knight:

What goes around comes around, or are Tiger Woods and Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi, aka "the Lockerbie Bomber," both on Nike's swoosh-brandishing endorsement payroll?

And you thought you had a problem with Michael Vick.

Or is Abdel working undercover for Adidas?

Ads on my ankles

Last month my wife watched as I shoved my heal through one of my worn-to-a-veneer socks. In her wisdom, she concluded that I could use replacements for my birthday.

Replacements I got. Nice socks but they come with little polo ponies and their teeny polo players embroidered on the ankles.

In case you are wondering, I have not, do not and never intend to play polo, at least not in this lifetime.

So what are these ponies doing on my socks?

I’m sure you can guess. They are Ralph Lauren “Polo” brand socks — made in Turkey as a matter of fact. As far as I know, polo-playing isn’t a big deal in Turkey. The Turks have their hands full with the Kurds.

As it turns out, the itsy-bitsy ponies and their minute helmeted, mallet-swinging riders aren’t visible to the casual observer, so they don’t exactly pass as advertising. We aren’t talking in-your-face Nike Swooshes here.

So what are they? Why are they there?

Bear with me while I channel the brand manager who ordered the sock designer (yes, there are such people) to position Ralph’s steeds on my ankles.

The designer: “Why are we cluttering up a perfectly good pair of socks with Ralph’s logo?”

The brand manager: “Clearly you don’t know Ralph.”

“Enlighten me.”

“He wants people to see his logo — a lot.”

“But no one will see the logo except the wearer, and then it will only be when he puts on or takes off his socks.”

“And how often does that happen?”

“Well, minimum, twice a day, maybe more.”

“There you have it.”

“There I have what?”

“There you have brand exposure and product purchase reinforcement. The wearer thinks about Ralph at least twice day. That’s more than my kids think about me. Clever huh?”

“ If you say so.”

“Believe me, I do. It pays the mortgage.”

There’s one flaw in all of this. The brand manager is right, of course: I do see the little logo twice a day plus when I put the socks in the washer and dryer and take the socks out of the washer and dryer, and harness them in pairs and put them in their sock stable in the top drawer of my dresser.

Face it, these socks are a major part of my existence.

What the brand manager (sodden thought: How much do they pay these people?) has failed to consider is what I think about when the logo leaps into view. Each time I see the horse and rider I think what an egotistical, polo-obsessed, interloper Ralph Lauren is.

I didn’t ask my wife what she paid for the socks. I don’t want to know, but I hope there’s not some price-inflating cachet associated with the ponies.

Actually, cachets, brands and polo aside, they aren’t bad socks.

We’ll see how long it takes me to wear them down to a nothing and to put the ponies out to some landfill pasture.

A point guard named Burger King

We’ve become accustomed to the naming rights sell-off game.

So now Paul Allen is auctioning off the naming rights to The Rose Garden.

Yawnnnnnn.

Allen, already a billionaire many times over, is hoping to reap millions by putting another corporate name in our faces.

Why are naming rights so valuable in marketing?

• We, the public, are forced to mouth the words “Wells Fargo Arena” (or Frito Lay, or Nike, or Adidas) every time we refer to the venue.

• The name gets mentioned repeatedly in the press. Every sports story, every sports broadcast, carries at least one mention.

• The “Rose Quarter” district, much of it belonging to the public, becomes the “Big Corporate Name” district.

• Freeway exit signs, again, owned by the public, become virtual billboards that we the people will receive zero compensation for.

We’ve seen the sell-outs take place around the country in less proud cities than ours.

But it’s here in Portland too. It started in the public sector where the proudly named Civic Stadium became a name-ad for Portland General Electric, PGE Park.

Now the Portland parks bureau is hiring a full-time sponsorship salesperson. Nike logos are on park basketball courts. Pepsi logos are on community center scoreboards. Piece by piece, the cash-starved public commons is being commercialized and privatized — and the public has grown increasingly accepting.

Of course several of us skeptics have suggested jokingly that Portland make the big re-naming leap and sell off “Portland.” Change the maps and road signs and call the place “Starbucks” or “Wal-Mart” or “Pepsi-Town,” all in exchange for a few million each year. Twenty years from now, we may all be Starbuckians or Pepsians.

But back to Allen and his Trail Blazers, who, according to The Oregonian, lost $25 million last year (the front office disputes the number but not the red ink).

Here’s a way to get in the black, Paul. Why not sell off the names of the players? Why does Brandon Roy have to be “Brandon Roy” or LaMarcus Aldridge “LaMarcus Aldridge” when they could be “Wells Fargo” and “Burger King”?

Think of the great product names that you could slap on a star point guard for a cool million or two. “Key Bank,” “Frito Lay,” “Kettle Chips,” and “Fred Meyer,” “Chevrolet Malibu” are just a few that come to mind.

Game commentary would be peppered with brand mentions: “Fargo passes into Frito who dribbles over the Wild Oats mid-court line. Lay to Burger. He fakes. A high lob into Kettle. He swings right with a hook over Chevrolet (previously known as Kobe Bryant). It’s up and in! Rip Diet Coke!”

Come’ on, Paul, you haven’t even turned the ignition on in your money machine.