Jesus bombs as political convention keynoter

Republican convention organizers set up a special prayer room for the delegates. Presumably they were praying for victory in November. Not to be found lacking spiritually, the Democrats set up their own small sanctuaries.

As we well know, the invocation of God is standard fare in American politics.

But it was the selection of Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey as the Republican convention’s keynote speaker that got me thinking the great political gatherings could use a little gravitas beyond your run-of-the-mill politician.

Why a mere Christie when you could have Jesus Christ himself? Well, not exactly a second coming, but perhaps Clint Eastwood could deliver a few choice gospel lines for the GOP. There wouldn't be an empty chair in the house.

The Democrats still have the chance to trot out a savior impersonator. George Clooney comes to mind.

The Good Book can get wild at times, but if the Republicans didn’t vet Eastwood, why should either party muzzle Jesus?

What might the famed Jewish rabbi say to Democrats and Republicans alike? I’m certain he wouldn’t want to take sides. How could he? From his perspective, they are pretty much the same.

But let's let him have his say....

There he is up there on the great national stage, partisan delegates range before him in awe. In hotel suites, millionaires, even billionaires, who’ve paid for the proceedings and the whole electoral process, monitor the great event on massive screens.

The crowd hushes in reverence, and the Savior gets down to cases about the economy and those who are “under water” or saddled with debt of all kinds.

“Forgive the debt owned by another as God forgives that owned by you.” The crowd's silence turns uneasy.

“Do not give your money to one who repays with interest. Give your money to one who won’t repay at all.”

As an aside, he reminds his audience, “It is easier for camels to enter the eye of a needle than for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God.”

In the back of the hall, someone boos and yells, “Socialist!”

Pointing to the heckler, Jesus counters, “As you notice the speck in another’s eye, be aware of the tree in your own.”

Some begin to squirm as hissing, booing seep over the floor.

The voice of the young rabbi from Galilee rises above the tumult as he notes the homeless in the streets of American cities and invokes the deeds of the good Samaritan who came to the aid of the traveler, beaten and left for dead.

“Several stepped around the seemingly lifeless body, but the Samaritan stopped, he cleaned and disinfected the traveler’s wounds, he put him on his donkey and brought him to an inn, he gave the owner two denarii and promised to pay the rest when he returned.”

“He should have left him to die!” comes a voice from the crowd. Others chime in, “Let him die! Let him die!”

Then, as he looks out over the well-scrubbed and now outraged delegates, Jesus preaches, “Only the wretched are guiltless. The mighty will be brought down; the lowly will be raised up!”

Next he turns his speech to the hundreds of billions spent in "defense" of the great democracy. He tersely commands, “Love your enemies.”

Defense contractors head for the exits as the hall resounds with booing and anger. “Who is this nut?” someone yells. “He’s crazier than Eastwood!”

Jesus continues. “If someone strikes your right cheek, offer your left. If someone takes your coat, offer your suit. If someone forces you to go one mile, offer to go another.”

“Nut case!” “Idiot!”

Undeterred, Jesus turns next to the vicious partisan attacks that dominate the nation’s politics. “A nation divided is a nation defeated. A household divided is a household destroyed.”

No one knows where the chant begins, but suddenly the words are broadcast throughout the nation. “Remove him! Take him away! Security! Security!!”

And so the organizers, realizing their terrible mistake, escort Jesus off the stage. Outside he is hustled into a waiting patrol car.

He is charged with distrupting the peace.

The next day, the prayer rooms, sponsored by several large banks and oil companies, are closed. The wheels of the great democracy grind on. The parties choose their leaders by acclamation.

They are men in tune with the times and the will of the People.

Would Gandhi buy a "Gandhi" pen?

In the late Neil Postman’s prescient book “Technopoly,” he foresees the media-besotted day when there will be an advertisement for wine that includes an endorsement by Jesus Christ.

Postman envisions Jesus holding up a glass of California chardonnay and preaching, “When I transformed water into wine in Cana, this is what I had in mind. Try it today. You’ll become a Believer.”

Postman notes the idea isn’t that far-fetched. He cites a Hebrew National frankfurters' ad proclaiming that their product exceeds federal standards. The reason for the special care is in the ad’s tag line: “We have to answer to a Higher Authority.”

Thus, writes Postman, do media transform the sacred into the profane. Eventually, Postman warns, the profanity of pervasive advertising will consume all we hold sacred.

Postman's book came to mind last week when I came across a newspaper story about Montblanc, the maker of extravagantly priced, status-symbol pens and other knick-knacks for the super-rich.

It seems the firm has created a "Mohandas Gandhi edition" gold pen aimed at India's new wealthy elite.

Before continuing, recall that the ascetic Gandhi lived virtually possession free. He owned little more than an extra loincloth, sandals, a pocket watch, a rice bowl and his spectacles.

Montblanc is “commemorating” the great non-violent leader's 140th birthday with the pen.

Price: $24,763 per pen.

Happy birthday, Bapu.

The newspaper story reminds us that in India today “more than 450 million Indians struggle to get by on less than $1.25 a day.”

The good news for Montblanc is that India’s economy has produced enough multimillionaires in recent years to provide a market for the Swiss firm’s Gandhi pen, which is 18-karat solid gold and engraved with Gandhi’s image. It comes with a saffron-colored mandarin garnet on its clip and an impressing-sounding rhodium-plated nib.

But wait, there’s more. Only 241 pens will be sold. Why 241? Montblanc says it chose the number to honor the number of miles in Gandhi’s grueling “salt march.”

You have to figure that factoid alone is worth a grand or two of the pen's price. It's certain to enliven gin-and-tonic conversations on at least 241 palatial Indian verandas.

To soften the grotesqueness of invoking Gandhi's name to sell pens, Montblanc is giving the Mahatma Gandhi Foundation $145,666 plus $1000 for each pen sold. (By the way, I can't find any reference to the Gandhi pen on Montblanc's web site under "special editions." Perhaps that's because the company is being sued by a consumer education group.)

One wonders whether the donations to the family foundation are what led Gandhi’s grandson, Tushar Gandhi, to pitch the pens with his own endorsement. “I consider the Montblanc pen their acknowledgment of the greatness of Gandhi. They are doing it the only way they know how…. His writing instrument was his greatest tool.”

Whatever you say, Tushar.

Poor Cindy

Now we know why John McCain believes someone is truly wealthy only after attaining an income of $5 million or more in a single year.

Poor Cindy McCain, suffering with the rest of the middle class and trying to decide which of her seven (or is it eight?) homes to bed down in on any given night, made a motley $4.2 million last year, according to the tax returns that the McCain campaign released today.

Barack Obama has said that you are “rich” if you make more than $250,000. And if you are rich, he recently told Joe, the tax-delinquent, Bush-backing, non-union plumber, you should spread your wealth around. By Obama’s standards poor Cindy has a lot more spreading to do than the Joe’s of the world.

It’s called progressive taxation. I like to call it “greed busting.”

What we have now is REgressive taxation: The more you make, proportionally the less you pay in taxes.

Here it is well to invoke one Jesus Christ, who didn’t stop with spreading it around. (Calling all Christians! Sarah, John, are you listening?) Christ said to the Cindy McCains of his time, GIVE IT ALL AWAY!

There is one small glitch in the story of the humble life of middle-class Cindy, heiress to an Arizona beer-schlepping fortune. In 2006, according to her tax returns, she was actually “rich” by John’s very own standards. The returns show that in that year, her income was “over $6 million,” according to the New York Times.

The Times didn’t report how much over. The newspaper of record may have concluded that at some point it doesn’t much matter. A million here, a million there. Any way you look at it, Republican or Democrat, you are rich.

A "Christian" government's "severe interrogation"

If it is true, as a pandering John McCain asserted recently, that this is a “Christian nation” that is best governed by a Christian, then America is giving Christianity a bad name.

The besmirching has been going on quite a while. Think of “Christian” America’s record regarding native peoples, African slaves, African-Americans, Chinese workers, the internment of Japanese-Americans, the dropping of atom bombs on civilian populations, capital punishment, My Lai, Abu Ghraib, the environmental destruction of the planet ….

The list goes on and on and on.

Our virtuous “Christian” governance, if that is what it is, is as current as today’s headline.

The so-called Christian government of this so-called Christian nation, which is led by a so-called Christian president, is treating its enemies, to say nothing of innocent civilians, in a most un-Christ-like way.

Memo

To: George W. Bush
From: Jesus Christ

LOVE YOUR ENEMY

When is the last time you, regardless of your faith, showed your love for fellow human beings by slapping them in the head, holding them naked for hours in a frigid cell, denying them sleep for days and nights by battering them with thundering rock music, by manacling them in stress positions, or by waterboarding them? The latter creates the sensation of being drowned.

Christian nation? Christian government? Christian president?

Get real.

Let’s just forget the sanctimonious religious invocations and, to the best of our ability, do what is right and just and, yes, even compassionate. If we do that, we have the right to expect and, if need be, invite and even demand the same of our "enemies."

Media observation: The headline on the front page of today’s Oregonian reads, “U.S. secretly OK’d severe interrogations.”

“Severe interrogations”?

The lead to the story clearly refers to “torture” and brutality — a long way from “severe interrogations.”

On rare occasions under deadline stress, my interviews with reluctant sources (often paid PR “spokespersons”) could be described as “severe interrogations.”

No, save "severe" for the weather forecast. Severe storms, severe rains, severe winds.

Today’s headline reminds me of when the Oregonian uncritically passed on Neil Goldschmidt’s characterization of his relationship with a 14-year-old as fact in the following headline: GOLDSCHMIDT CONFESSES '70s AFFAIR WITH GIRL, 14.

I suppose readers should expect a front page that describes statutory rape as an “affair” to transform torture into “severe interrogation.”

The news is so much nicer that way — in this “Christian nation.”