Offers I can refuse

As my age changes, so does my junk mail.

How do Sonus “Hearing Care Professionals” know that I wear hearing aids? Headline on the direct mail piece received today: “Sonus hearing solutions work for you because they’re created just for you.”

Right. Just for me.

Next mailer….

How does Phoenix Redevelopment Inc. conclude our home is “magnificent,” as in “We’ve recently become aware of your magnificent home at (address) and would like to make you a unique proposal.”

I like the place a lot, but “magnificent”?

In my dreams.

Enamored of our house (make that “home”), Phoenix is making us an “all-cash, as-is, no fees offer.” (The phrase is repeated four times.)

Later in the two-pager, signed by Vice-President Jon Laufenberg, Phoenix makes a couple of suggestions. “Maybe” my wife and I want to “simplify” our lives “and downsize into a condo or townhouse.”

Another possibility “Buy a larger home or move to the country.”

If we wanted to move to a larger home or move to the country, we would have.

As for downsizing, that’s what I do on the treadmill.

Still, data-bases being what they are, Jon might know enough to sweeten the deal with a couple of hear aids. Phoenix, meet Sonus.

Then there’s the part where Jon (that's the way he signs his name, "Jon") says that Phoenix and it “redevelopers” are “professional renovators.”

So we own a place that isn’t that “magnificent” after all.

Jon and Phoenix have anticipated my raised eye-brows; they don’t hold focus groups for nothing.

He writes: “Please understand that this does not mean we think your home needs updating. Chances are your home may be perfect just as it is. We’re just looking for homes with incredible potential and we think your home might be a good match for us.”

Incredible POTENTIAL? Come on, Jon. If it’s just fine as is, what’s this with the “:potential” “renovation” bit?

So what’s with Jon’s “realistic” “all-cash. As-Is. No Fees”?

Hey, in my senior years, I have time to play along. I might give Jon a call just for the tugs and jerks on the line.

As for the hearing aids, Sheeeeesh!