Pledge drive for Nukes

The recently concluded Oregon Public Broadcasting pledge drive reminded me of the bumper sticker:

“Why not adequately fund our schools and have the Air Force hold bake sales to buy bombers?”

I’m thinking we ought to make our nuclear arsenal dependent on radio pledge drives like OPB’s.

It might go something like this.

“Well, April, how are we doing?”

“Not so good, Colin. We have only one wing nut paid for, thanks to a generous $5,000 contribution from retired Air Force colonel in Redmond.”

“Wow. Well thanks, Colonel, but we need a whole lot more patriotic Americans like you to step up to defend freedom. You all need to go to your phones if we are going to build up our current arsenal of a paltry 5,736 nuclear warheads.”

“That’s right, April. Why destroy the planet once when you can do it 10 times over? I mean let’s show the Russians, the Chinese and the Pakistanis what REAL power is.”

“To say nothing of Israel, India, Britain and France.”

“So here’s that number again, 876-853-7669 or ‘US nukes now.’”

“By the way, if you contribute to our nuclear weapons program, it will mean we can spend your tax dollars on boring stuff like universal health care, first-rate schools and alternative energy.”

“Boy, it sure is quiet around here, April. Let’s make those phones start ringing. Do it now! Just remember, your pledges help our military-industrial complex.”

“Speaking of which, Colin, how about that Boeing offer for the first pledge of $50,000?”

“That’s right, April. For your pledge of $50,000, you get a free round-the-world junket, just like the ones Boeing takes our members of Congress on. They’ve even set up pseudo-defense conferences in places like the Cayman Islands, Fiji and Bali.”

“How can you pass that one up? That number again is ….”